But, Because, But

Yesterday, I was listening to someone talking on the phone to her client. At this stage I should write that I wasn't spying on her, but coaching her on how to communicate with clients more effectively. This particular caller wanted my student to provide some information, and my student was trying to explain that the caller had already received the information, as she had sent out a full explanation by mail last week. And so, she kept starting every sentence with "But you already have that...", "But I..." "Because you didn't..." "Because I already..."etc. I really didn't like the conversation.
What was my problem? Although I wasn't listening to the caller's statements or questions, my student was making it very clear that she was in oppositon to everything her client was saying. While I would disagree if someone told me the sky was green and the sea was blue, I wouldn't start my argument with "But". The word but is used to warn the receiver that the next statement goes against what we have been saying. It sounds strange, for example, to say "She's fit, but she's healthy", or "I don't smoke, but I don't drink".
Occasionally, of course, we do have to use "but", but when every sentence you use starts with "but", the overall impression you give is that you disagree.
We are then presented with the question of what we can replace it with. Well, why not just leave it out? When someone asks you for information you have already sent, just give them a fact. "I sent it yesterday as an attachment". The difference is quite large. If my student had removed the "but", her answer would have delivered the message that she had already performed an action for the client before the client herself had requested it. My student would have made an overall impression of one who delivers. Depending on whether my student was making any progress with her client, you could argue that it would have been better and more effective to just send the information again. If you're thinking about clear communication, it might also help to think about what you want to achieve from it. For example, if a client says that they will pay me if I send an invoice. I'll send the invoice. My aim is to get paid, not to prove that my memory is better than theirs. No buts!

Thinking for the Client

There is a joke about a woman who explains to her doctor that she hasn't visited him for a long time as she has been feeling ill recently. Likewise, I haven't written anything on this blog for a while because I have been too busy working. At home, too, I've been busier than expected. I never thought a five-year old's birthday could make one feel so tired! Our son turned five at the beginning of this month, and we decided to take all the stress and organisation out of it by having the party in a place called Gibon, which is a large indoor children's adventure centre not far from where we live. My wife phoned and made all the arrangements, booked the Scooby Doo Room for the time and day we wanted, in the name of the Birthday Boy, and asked for an animator, a person who would lead the party and give the fifteen five-year olds tasks, run games, and generally ensure the parents had less to do with the children. She left her name and number as contact details.
A few days later, she received a call from the centre's manager, who said that they had noticed the bay's name was not Polish, nor was my wife's surname, and wanted to know if we would prefer the animator to speak English.
If you think about it, the manager did not need a large amount of detective skills to see an Irish first name, and that one of the mother's surname's is Irish, and conclude that the child probably speaks English. I'm sure that our son was the only Sean among the Jaceks and Macieks and Olas and Julkas in Gibon's history of birthday parties, so it didn't even require careful checking for the name to jump out and be noticed. However, what the manager did then was simple, yet rare and greatly appreciated. she took the initiative of contacting us and asking if we wished something different from what we asked.
My son speaks Polish (better than English, to my frustration), and all of his friends are Polish, so an English-speaking animator wasn't necessary, but before the manager phoned my wife, we didn't even know that it was possible to hire one. Often, if you don't know that the possibility to have something exists, you don't ask for it.
A colleague once told me of his visit to a dentist. He had booked the visit to get a filling for two of his teeth. After she had finished the job, he mentioned that he felt pain in a different part of his mouth. She replied that it may be due to the cavity in a tooth on the other side of his mouth. My colleague asked why she hadn't filled that cavity while she was working on the other two, to which she answered that he had booked the visit to take care of the other two teeth, which she had filled, and as he hadn't complained about the pain before, she didn't think he wanted it done.
I know teeth are more serious than a five-year-old's birthday party (except to the five-year-old!), but this example shows the contrast between thinking a little bit for your client, showing initiative -however small- and doing what you're told. I have no problem in recommending Gibon for any child's birthday party, but I'm not sure if my colleague would recommend his dentist.
Once again I seem to have written about Client Management rather than Communication, but the fact is that the little piece of empathy shown when talking to someone will help create, or build, the connection during the conversation. If both parties continue to imagine the situation from the other side, the working relationship becomes better and better, and before you know it, your conversation partner is telling everybody to take their five-year-old to your place. Make sure that's what you want, though!