Out of the Mouths of Babes

One morning recently during a school holiday, I was getting ready to go to work, when my 7-year-old son asked me "Why can't you stay at home with us?" "I'd love to", I replied, "but I'm meeting people today to teach them some important things." "What?" he enquired. "Well, I'm teaching them how to phone their customers, and make sure that they're happy, and find out if they could do anything more for them." (Considering that it was before 8am, I was quite proud of my explanation) "That's easy!" answered my son, and added confidently "I can do that already!" "Go on!" He picked up my phone, and said "Hello? Hi, it's me. How are you? Are you happy? Would you like me to do anything more for you?" He hung up on his imaginary call partner and said "See? It's easy!" For the rest of the day, I tried to explain what mistakes he had made, and the point is, I still can't see anything wrong in it! Of course, there are questions regarding how quickly and to the point the main issues are brought up, and style is also a factor in conversation. However, my son asked the questions he wanted to, and still showed that he was listening. In fact, there is a very strong argument that his directness would show that he is more honest in his communication. I am surprised at the number of times people go into meetigns with clearly defined questions which they either never ask, or ask in such a vague way that they don't get answers. It may be that you don't know what your client is able to pay because you haven't asked, or you may not know if your staff like a new policy because you never said "Hey guys, do you like this new policy?" Again, I would like to repeat that everything should be in moderation, and there is a very real, and very good, reason why diplomatic language exists. However, there are some very good reasons for using simple, straightforward language too!

Cultural Awareness - Foot-in-Mouth Disease

A friend of mine had bought a flat in Krakow some time ago, and had decided to sell it. As I live in Krakow, and she lives in Dublin, she asked me if I could help by delivering keys to the Estate Agent, and occasionally representing her to interested parties. For this reason, I found myself in an empty flat one Saturday morning with an Estate Agent and a couple from Zakopane to discuss which furnishings they wished to have included in the sale of the flat, and which they wanted to get rid of. During this time, the husband received a phone call, and excused himself. In order to make smalltalk, I fell back on that old Anglo-Irish standard, the weather. I remarked that the summer was slowly disappearing (it was September, and the temperature had fallen to the low twenties during the day). This topic was taken up with enthusiasm by the estate agent and the lady, who then said that she had seen a woman out walking with her baby in a pram, and the baby was not wearing a hat! The tone in which she said this left us in no doubt that she felt it was far too cold to have a baby outside with no hat. The estate agent reacted suitably shocked, and said that some parents were truly irresponsible when it came to their children's welfare. As an example, he mentioned a couple who had a baby of no more than a month old asleep in a car-seat which they were carrying around in a hypermarket. The lady agreed that they were behaving really stupidly, bringing their children to a 'breeding-place for viruses'. At this point, I quietly mentioned that in Ireland it was a regular occurence for parents to bring their children with them when they went shopping, and that children don't wear hats or coats outside until the weather is much colder. The others were a little surprised and embarrased at this, but I explained the theory behind this, that in Ireland we haven't such extremes of temperature, so we are less sensitised to changes in temperature. They declared that it was an interesting theory, but I am quite sure that they thought I and my kind were mad. They were also probaby feeling a little foolish at their faux pas.
I remember feeling uch the same level of awkwardness when I was about 10, and my friend had just got a new bike. I had a go on it, and said it was obviously a Raleigh Burner (Raleigh's answer to the BMX), as it looked much cooler than a BMX, because most BMX's had the letters 'BMX' placed all over them. When he told me the new bike was in fact a BMX, I felt really stupid.
When we think about Cultural Awareness, we often forget how pervasive and deep-rooted our culture is. The above example is a lesson. We all know not to offend our business colleagues by referring to them by first names (or last names, as the case may be), and we all remember the golden rule of when in Rome..., but how often would you think that there are cultural differences in when to put a hat on a baby!? This potential gaffe is on the same level as telling your new boss you think dog-owners are stupid, only to find out in the next sentence that she has two Yorkshire terriers. Of course, we will never get any closer in a relationship if we do not offer any personal information regarding our likes and dislikes, or our tastes and opinions, but there are many ways to express our opinions without offending our audience. "I wouldn't bring a small baby to a hypermarket, as I would be afraid of catching a virus" is a fine way to express the same opinion to develop the conversation without calling any person -or nation- stupid and irresponsible!

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

One Sunday recently, my wife and children and I went to visit family friends, and in the noise and chaos of the children's playing around us, we started talking about lying. Not lying in bed asleep (although for parents of young children this is what they frequently dream about!), but not telling the truth. We quickly reached the conclusion that lying generally receives bad publicity. Whether we like it or not, the ability to communicate false messages is a vitally important lifeskill. If you don't believe it, think about the last time your mother asked you if she looked nice in that horrible new dress she bought!
Our friend declared that he was quite proud of the fact that his children were able to lie, which, at first, was shocking, but when I listened to what he had to say about it, I understood better what he meant. When you think that a child learns absolutely everything through experience at the beginning, it is really a giant step forward when the child is able to tell the difference between real and unreal, true and false, and be confident enough to know that what is being described is not real. Then, added to that, the child knows that describing an imagined situation will bring benefits ('I already asked Mummy, and she said I could have a sweet', or 'Did you hit your brother?' -'No').
While I can also quite happily declare that I'm proud that my children possess this ability, I am more proud of the fact that thay choose to admit to what they have done wrong (at least for now -I'm sure that will change soon enough), and that they only tell untruths when they are playing ('Daddy I'm a motorbike!).
Our friend then said that lying is necessary in business, which I agreed with to a certain extent. A character in one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels came from a tribe where almost nobody had the ability to tell a lie. For this reason, the ones who had this gift were nominated to the position of tribal liers, and it was they who were sent to negotiate and trade with other tribes. The example our friend gave, however, was of a different situation. He claimed that when dealing with subordinates who have made mistakes, a manager had to lie, and praise them, although he'd really like to just shout and swear at them. I was also surprised at this theory. In all the years I have had people work under me, I don't think I have ever felt the need to lie to them.
Of course, there is the question of diplomacy -I would never tell anyone they were rubbish, but there is also the question of propriety -of discussing the proper topic with the proper person. If one of my subordinates -at any time in my career- asked me if I thought they were ugly, pretty, in good shape, a good singer etc., I don't think that would have any effect on our work relationship. I would answer diplomatically, as I would if anybody asked me.
There is a saying "The truth, however ugly, is good. A lie, however beautiful, is bad." With this in mind, I wonder just how successful you can be as a manager if you lie to your staff. I much prefer to tell my staff what I really think about their ideas, work and input. The trick, though, is to make sure they know that these are your feelings, and not facts. "I think that you could have done better" is a fact, explaining the way you think. Such a statement can lead to discourse, as youmay discuss how the work could have been better, and a next step (or steps) can be planned together. "That is hopeless" is a useless phrase which has no positive quality whatsoever. In addition, it is stating your -highly subjective- opinion as a fact. This, in its own way, is a big lie, and one that is definitely bad.